My Refusal: The Point Where Justice Fails II
This evening, I begin the arduous task of getting up to speed and rejoining the race after a month of being placed back in ‘trauma time’. A state triggered not by the past itself, but by the anticipation of reliving it under cross-examination. It’s an anticipation and anxiety that has existed for over two years.
In September 2021, I reported my perpetrator of childhood sexual abuse to the police. From 2022, he spent 18 months on the run before being arrested and charged in March 2024. A trial was set for March 23rd, 2026. Two weeks ago, that trial was vacated. Not due to lack of evidence. Not due to legal complexity. But because there were no available courtrooms at Minshull Street Crown Court.
The charges are as follows:
Attempted rape of a male under 14
Indecent assault of a male under 14
Indecent assault of a male under 16
Last Monday, I submitted a statement to be read by a Judge at the ‘Mention and Fix’ hearing that took place, stating that if my trial was relisted for any date beyond 2026, I would be withdrawing from the process. The case was subsequently re-listed for May 2028. I acted immediately and requested that my withdrawal from the process be initiated. For three days, there was silence. Then came a response from the CPS: an offer to pre-record my cross-examination under Section 28, removing the need for me to remain actively involved until trial.
I was truly willing to walk away and meant everything I wrote in my last essay that landed emotionally with a lot of people. But it’s worth noting I had this decision made a long time ago - there was no hesitation or being caught by surprise, and that has helped me massively in a week that could have been devastating. Throughout this entire process, I have been disrespected and disregarded by all the agencies of the Criminal Justice System at every turn in the road. People should take note that the only moment it demonstrated flexibility or concern was when I withdrew my consent to participate. That is a reclamation of power and is something worth thinking about in this period of time where we are made to feel hopeless.
I was grateful this past week to be in correspondence with the Victims Commissioner of England, Claire Waxman OBE, who asked me what support I would need to stay in the process and suggested I email my MP to get help with my case. My answer was that I have all the support I need in the Victorious Voices community and that I emailed my MP two years ago and received no response – my point being I am not going to beg for help. The whole ethos of Victorious Voices is to be a counter-space to this system, which likes to disrespect, disregard and degrade CSA Survivors. We are restoring dignity and pride, which, if that entails walking away from the flawed and inhumane CJS, so be it.
For five years, I have engaged with a system that has consistently disregarded the realities of trauma. Not in theory, but in practice, in timelines, in process, in silence. There is a fundamental disconnect at the heart of the Criminal Justice System: it treats participation as a procedural obligation, not a psychological cost. There is no understanding of trauma, or worse, zero regard for its impacts.
Trauma does not take a time out because you’re operating on an institutional timeline. I’ve worked very hard to get myself into a position where my trauma from CSA does not impact my day-to-day life - yet my life is trapped in a system that has no problem bringing that trauma to life for what will ultimately be 7 years (if there are no further delays).
Trauma is not a memory you revisit at will. It is a physiological response rooted in the nervous system. When triggered, the brain does not register the past as past. The amygdala fires, the body mobilises or shuts down, and the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for reasoning, is bypassed. My experiences of Childhood Sexual Abuse are not remembered. They are relived. To ask a survivor to remain in a prolonged state of anticipation - years of waiting, followed by the prospect of cross-examination. This is not neutral. It is an ongoing activation of that trauma. And yet the dominant response remains: be patient, stay positive, trust the process. This is a category error and a fundamental flaw.
You can’t override a trauma threat response with mindset alone any more than you can think your heart rate down during a sprint. What is being asked of survivors is not resilience. It is endurance under conditions that actively destabilise us. If somebody arrived at A&E with a broken leg, would it be acceptable to say to them, “Sit tight in the waiting room and a Dr will be with you in two years.” Would it even be fathomable that at the end of that wait, the receptionist said, “I’m really sorry about this, but you’re going to have to wait another two years.”
Would that not be absolutely fucking insane?
Because that is essentially what is being asked of CSA Survivors in these circumstances. If my trial proceeds in May 2028, it will mark 2,425 days since I first reported the abuse. During that time, I have done the work to rebuild stability and to ensure that my past does not dictate my day-to-day life. Yet the system tasked with delivering justice has no issue repeatedly dragging that past into the present. This is not justice functioning imperfectly; this is a system structurally misaligned with the realities of trauma.
In the course of these days, it has become crystal clear that CSA Survivors need to band together and stop searching for help from people, organisations and systems that only wish to ignore, disempower and hide us away. The only time the system showed any concern and capitulated was when their case (time, energy and resources) was about to be placed in the bin. The initial appalling decision and situation has received 40k+ views across all platforms with the help of Maggie Oliver, which has opened a lot of eyes to the shambolic state of the CJS .
This is not an isolated failure. It is a pattern that requires recognition and urgent intervention.
For too long, CSA survivors have been encouraged to place their faith in systems that are not designed with them in mind. To wait. To endure. To hope for outcomes that come at the cost of their own stability. This approach is no longer sustainable. There comes a point where continuing to participate is not an act of strength, but of self-erasure. This was that point for me, my refusal is not a rejection of justice. It was the rejection of a process that demands harm in order to function. And that distinction matters greatly.
Today should have marked the beginning of moving on with my life; instead, it is the start of two more years of everything I have described in this essay. We will have to wait and see what this disaster has in store next.
