My name is Beth Mcmanus

At the age of 9 I innocently asked about why men had penises and women did not – this was in the car on the way to a family members. My parents hadn’t really explained to me why my body was changing at the time, and I was curious to understand. That’s how it all began, a kid, being curious. An adult in a position of trust took the lead on answering the question which led to him taking the lead on teaching me about the birds and bees.

They bought me a book about it and each weekend I would stay with them, we’d eat take out, watch a film then at bedtime he would sit beside my bed and go through the book. When we covered things like masturbation, I’d be encouraged to touch myself while he was in the room, which became him also touching me, which then became being introduced to sex toys at the age of 10. By then I was also drinking alcopops before bed. This escalated to more and more intimate sexual experiences with him – he told me he loved me and I believed we were in a relationship, but somehow knew to keep it secret without him having to tell me. At age 12 we began having sex – I now understand this to be rape. This went on until I 14 years old – friends told me what was happening was wrong and I began to question how I felt about it all. When I had my first boyfriend my abuser stalked and threatened us which ended with my family finally kicking him out.

A few months later I disclosed to my parents, encouraged by my boyfriend who was the first person I opened up to about it. I wrote them a letter and asked to report back then – sadly after seeing the letter on the Saturday, a short chat with my sisters on the Sunday – it was pretty much a case of off to school you go and let’s forget about this. There was no action, no explanations, no offer to help me get support. It was shut down and I was expected to move on – do well at school and put it behind me. It would come up from time to time in conversation but I’d be told “we have to just put it in a box in our mind and lock it back up”. It was only after my mum sadly passed away in 2021 that a new culture of openness could emerge within our family and I could begin to heal. In that time, I had a myriad of mental health struggles, I ended up in another abusive relationship aged 16-18 years old where I was lost to psychosis for several months, and almost took my own life, not really understanding why things felt so chaotic and out of control. I struggled with healthy relationships because of so many beliefs which had sunk in deep by that time from the abuse I had experienced.

When people think of CSA and rape violent images may come to mind – but it is not always so. Often it’s the quiet misleading and abuse of a child’s trust and need for attention over a long period of time. Sometimes it does not feel like abuse or traumatic at the time – that comes later when the reality of what happened to you lands and lands heavy, burying you. Grooming isn’t always gangs and strangers – more often than not it’s in your own home, with people you trust and think you know well.

The initial catalyst that led me to share my experience of abuse for the first time occurred when I was camping with my first boyfriend and his family 6 months after it had all ended and I was 14 years old. I don’t remember much about why it felt right to share it, but I remember sitting in the car, just me and my boyfriend, and telling him everything because he felt safe to open up to. I was only just starting to understand that what I’d been through was wrong and strong enough to share with someone I trusted. I didn’t want to carry it alone anymore – I guess deep down I knew that if I was going to overcome what had happened I needed to be supported and seek help from those around me. 

As mentioned above, it took many years for me to even fully understand what had happened to me, the impact it was having in my life and the further issues of being silenced within my family. That initial step of telling my boyfriend was the first time someone believed me and didn’t try to tell me to just ignore it and move on. Getting his support was the beginning of my healing.

It was only from my late 20s which I started trying to get help from several therapists – unfortunately the first few were unhelpful offering CBT and trying to change the way I thought about the abuse – failing to acknowledge that what happened to me was actually traumatic and not my thinking about it, and that was the real problem.

A huge step in my healing process was learning effective ways to manage my anxiety – and also learning about and understanding why I was feeling and acting out in the ways I was. Specifically learning the 7-11 breathing technique and practising it regularly – breathing in full belly breaths for 7 counts and out fully for 11 counts – and understanding that it works because breathing out longer than breathing in activates the parasympathetic (rest and digest) nervous system – signalling to our subconscious mind that we are safe and well.

Also using guided imagery through my therapists and also meditation apps – I learnt that my imagination, which felt like it was letting me down all the time with flashbacks, could also be harnessed and used to help me heal. Over many months I learnt to use my mind to take me to calm relaxing places in nature which was later the gateway to the therapeutic intervention which really helped me take the emotional arousal out of the abusive memories – the rewind technique.

I also use exercise to help keep my nervous system regulated – mixing up running, spin classes, strength work and more – giving me an outlet to focus my attention on and burn up the anxious energy. If I’m feeling worked up I know I can take myself outside for a walk. Getting fresh air and some daylight – focusing my mind on my steps and what I can sense around me – bringing me back to the present day is often enough to help me feel back in control.

My first boyfriend was the first person in my support network and I will be forever grateful for his patience and kindness while I was figuring things out. He taught me what genuine love and relationship is like – even though I was unable to accept it at the time. My college friends really helped me through the hard times, making me laugh, listening when I needed to talk and also helped me to leave my abusive partner at age 18. They didn’t all know what had happened to me before but they showed me that I was worth something, just the way I was, accepting me without expectations that I would change or need to be anything other than what I was.

My family, following my mums passing and things becoming more open, have become some of my biggest supporters in my healing – with my dad and sisters having open conversations about what happened. Also offering their support of my case when I made the decision to report in November 2023, and also when I withdrew support of the case in summer 2025 due to the impacts the justice system and process was having on me and my mental health.

But most of all my therapists, two in particular – Debbie, who first listened without judgement, allowed me to tell my story and patiently over months slowly taught me how to manage my anxiety in effective ways so I was calm enough to process what had happened to me. And Kat, who works with other CSA survivors, who has been a strong, reliable and steady presence showing up for me week in and week out, helping me to put the timeline together in a way that’s linear so I now have story with a beginning, middle and end. Who’s demonstrated what a reliable relationship looks like, and that it is safe to trust, so that I have been able to begin to build that with my husband and feel safe.

My husband has also been a huge support – even when I wasn’t supporting myself – he has stayed steady, loyal and strong even when I was pushing him away because I was scared of the love he was showing me. Who has continued to love me and be there for me through all the years of confusion and self discovery.

Human Givens Therapy has helped me endlessly, learning about my emotional needs, how they are as important as my physical needs, and how CSA and trauma created barriers to meeting needs. Through the 2 therapists I worked with I was able to better manage my anxiety and day to day triggers, as well as process and remove the emotional strength behind my trauma memories using the Rewind Technique which has reduced greatly my triggers and emotional response to them.

I’ve also found connecting with other survivors helpful, having others who just get it when it can sometimes feel the rest of the world doesn’t. Seeing creative expressions via the Viv Gorden Company from other survivors, connecting with advocates for change via Survivors Voices ‘Change Makers’ group online and also the resources on The Survivors Trust website.

A few books I’ve found helpful also are “No Matter Our Wreckage” by Gemma Carey, “The Flying Child” by Patricia Walsh and Sophie Olson and "Because it Didn't Stop when it Ended" by Patricia M. Wennell. All books showed me I wasn’t on my own, others knew what being a survivor in this world is like and broke the sense of loneliness and isolation which haunted my life for years – they gave me hope that I could move towards a happier and more fulfilled life in spite of CSA.

Reclaiming my sense of identity and agency is an ongoing process and one I think will continue for the rest of my life, but that’s ok. Initially as a teenager I would jump from one friendship group to another – at the time I couldn’t find my people but looking back I feel like it was all a part of learning who I was and having the autonomy to choose who I spent time with.

Going to University was a huge part of reclaiming my identity and agency, finally leaving the family home where some of the abuse had occurred, creating my own rules, routines and lifestyle. I focused on the people and activities I enjoyed and not just the ones my parents told me I should. I explored different societies and groups eventually focusing on my athletics as staying fit and healthy felt good, gave me an outlet for lots of unexpressed emotions and I met lots of wonderful people in the groups I trained with.

More recently following the passing of my mother in 2021 is where I really have reclaimed who I am and what I stand for. My mother was a huge influence over our family and our values, and that sadly included the culture of keeping quiet, not talking about difficult things and not upsetting anyone. Our family had changed since that influence is no longer there and we are more open which has led to opportunities to have the conversations I’ve needed to, to be able to grow and learn who I am in the world as an individual and not just what I felt I “should” be. I was able to explore therapy, something that was never approved of in my family. Over the past 3 years through the work I’ve done in and outside of the therapy room I finally built a life, my life, my story, to be in the place I am today. Someone who is able to accept love and have a healthy relationship, and now looking at my future of becoming a mother myself and what that identity will mean to me.

Exercise and movement has always been important to me, I’ve been doing athletics for over 25 years. It gives me an outlet, has given me in the past something to focus on and work towards which I was in control of as well as help me to feel fit, healthy and well. I still run and use exercise today whenever I am stressed, anxious, overwhelmed or angry as it is a release for me. Even gentle stretching and yoga is important for me as this helps reconnect with my own body, in the here and now, especially following something triggering which can cause me to feel disconnected from myself – the mat is always there for me to return to, without judgement.

Daily journalling has also been helpful, ending my day with writing about the highs and lows, and sometimes just turning to pen and paper during difficult periods or to figure something out when I’ve felt stuck. Just writing and reading it back has sometimes helped to see things from different angles allowing time and space to work through emotions and thoughts.  Also being outdoors – getting up and sitting in the garden with my cup of tea, watching the sunrise or just soaking in the nature around me. It has always brought me back to the present and engaging all the senses helps keep the mind and body in the here and now. Hearing the birds singing and feeling a breeze on my face reminds me I’m here, I’m alive and I deserve to experience the joys life has to offer.

Doing the Coast to Coast walk solo, a 192 mile hike from St Bees to Robin Hoods Bay, gave me a lot of time for reflection but also showed me something important – I was capable of doing and achieving things all off my own back. Each day I made the decision on which route to navigate and solved the problems that came up along the way, like being lost on the moorland or being chased by sheep. Until then I didn’t believe in myself, allowed others to take control and make decisions for me. I remember it being such a profound experience I cried the last 3 days of it because over those 12 days I grew so much and didn’t want it to end.

The biggest turning point in my recovery was when my mother passed away in 2021 – up until that point she held such an influence over our family and “keeping it quiet”. From that moment on, I was able to finally talk about and express everything I felt, to be able to explore different therapy and our family created a more open and honest relationship. In the last 4 years I’ve come a long way in my healing and recovery because it isn’t a family secret anymore. It doesn’t mean I wish things hadn’t been different and I’d been able to heal whilst my mum was still here, and I know she was doing the best she could and what she thought was right and protective for her family. I’ve learnt however that doesn’t mean my pain wasn’t real or that it was right to deny me access to justice when at 14 I asked for it following disclosure – but we are all human and sometimes we make poor choices with the best intentions. I now sit with it all, the good, bad and ugly, and can just let it all be there and all be true.

Finally, deciding to report to the police in November 2023. I’d been in therapy for about a year and was sat in a shopping centre carpark about to go to an exercise class. Something had triggered me and CSA thoughts whirred around and around in my head. I was sobbing harder than I’d ever cried before wishing I could do something about it. Then I realised I can, I can report what happened. The tears stopped, I went to my class then as soon as I was home reported it. A weight lifted from my shoulders as I finally felt in my own power – for the first time I was standing up publicly and saying “this happened to me and it was wrong!”.

Unfortunately the justice system and process is not supportive of survivors – and although I met and worked with some brilliant people within it, I withdrew support for the case in September 2025 after learning it would likely be 2028 before I’d be in court. And that decision was another turning point – “I have the power to take my support for this case away because he isn’t worth my time and energy anymore. I have a beautiful life to live and build and so I’m standing up and saying no more”. It’s not that I don’t want justice, I just don’t want it at the cost it would come with for me – I am worth more than that. I fell pregnant with my first child a couple of months after making that decision – a sign that it was the right one for me and my life. A new chapter awaits!

As life unfolds and what happened gets further away in terms of time, sadly it becomes clearer and clearer that setbacks and challenges are always going to be a part of life for a survivor. Because experiencing CSA touches all parts of your life, especially when you least expect it.

Significant challenges which come to mind for myself are:-

• Initial disclosure to my parents, writing them that letter and leaving it for them to find was the hardest thing to do because I was so scared it was all my fault. My boyfriend at the time was thankfully very encouraging, kind and without his support I wonder if I would ever have disclosed – he helped me overcome my fears.

• Finding myself in the abusive relationship at age 16-18 and realising I had to get out was really hard – I became very unwell mentally, having hallucinations and uncontrollable screaming fits (my body and mind were no longer my own). Again I overcame this time with the support of my lovely friends who helped me keep my self esteem in tact enough to move away. A complete life change and going to university was the best thing in overcoming this challenge.

• Being in a stable relationship with my now husband was a difficult and unexpected set back – he was kind, stable, patient and loving and something in me screamed danger when it wasn’t there. We separated and I ended up in a relationship with someone who was more distant because that felt like what I deserved. Through therapy and finally working on and processing my trauma with therapists who understood and had a model of therapy that helped heal, I slowly found myself back with my husband and able to accept and feel comfortable being with someone who valued me, loved me and expected nothing from me except to be myself. This took years for work in therapy but was worth every moment.

• My most recent setback was last summer when I discovered the delays occurring with my case. It had been 18 months since initially reporting, I’d had 3 different detectives take my case on then move onto different things and despite good evidence my case had been sent back from the CPS because they wanted more – delay tactics. My understanding was it was all in process and moving along but after not hearing anything weeks after I expected to, chasing the detective for answers and being ignored, discovering one piece of evidence was holding everything back it all got too much and I hit crisis. I could no longer sleep and this lasted weeks, flashback came back and I started to plan my suicide. I found safety with my husband, moving back in with him so I didn’t have to face everything alone at 2am. Little by little I focused on the little moments each day that felt a bit lighter – like sitting and watching the magpies at lunchtime or a conversation with a colleague at work that made me smile. Opening back up to the outside world and focusing on the things I could do – exercising, meditation and therapy. I remember going to see a friend in the Lake district and out on a hill walk, the sun shining and being thankful I chose to stay and fight for my life. Because things moved on and the darkness lifted, and I felt happy and peaceful again. At that point I decided to withdraw from the case because I wanted to take back my power that had been taken from me for too long. He was no longer worth my time or energy, and I had a whole lot more life to live and things I wanted to do.

I don’t believe you have to forgive in order to heal – forgiveness is for those who deserve it – who stand up and say they recognise the harm they caused you, even if they didn’t intend to, and show genuine remorse. Even then, I do feel some actions remain unforgivable – especially when it has impacted a persons entire life and sense of being in the world like CSA can and does. Everyone has a right to choose if forgiveness feels right for them. I used to feel sorry for my perpetrator – did he just get it wrong, get confused and end up in a situation? But now feel that CSA is never someone “getting confused” or stuck in a situation…it’s a choice. I don’t forgive him, I never will, and I’m ok with that. He showed no remorse when I reported what happened and denied everything when he was arrested – let him lay in the bed he made I say.

I am still working on self forgiveness and the forgiveness of my family and the part they all played in what happened to me. When I am triggered one of the signs is that I blame myself at first, until I remember who the real enemy is. With my family I now sit with the fact that they were humans doing their best, but also that at times they failed younger me and that wasn’t ok. It’s like a tug of war but like waves they rise and they fall, and maybe one day I will be able to forgive the failings of others to protect and support me when I needed it most. And that’s ok if figuring that out takes a lifetime.

The advice I would offer to other survivors who are on their path to healing from abuse is you don’t have to do it on your own and there are so many growing resources, supportive services and great survivor communities out there. Survivor to survivor wisdom is a real treasure and never underestimate the value of what you can offer to that wisdom too.

You can and will find those things in life which give you joy and purpose, do more of those things. Notice the people in your life who lift you and spend time with them. Notice the people in your life who drain you, pay attention to that too and take whatever action feels right at the time for you in relation to those people.

You don’t owe anyone in your life anything and only owe your healing and journey to yourself. Find that therapist, friend, family member you click with who can sit by you, guide you through the healing journey. Sometimes to cry with you, laugh with you and everything in between.

There is lightness to be found in this world alongside the heaviness – sometimes the heaviness may feel too much but in those times we remember the lightness you’ve experienced and will experience again. Nothing lasts forever and the cliché “This too shall pass” carries a great truth to it…even if we are saying this through gritted teeth at times.