My name is Michelle van Toop.
I am from Doncaster, UK. I am the Chair of the Visible Project, and I hope that sharing my experience strength can help other people who experienced sexual abuse in their childhood.
The taboo around talking about CSA and not letting people share their experience keeps it hidden and perpetrators are able to hide in plain sight. They get away with their crimes while the child spends the rest of their life dealing with the effects. We must change this. People want to think that it is just a few isolated cases, and we should just get on with our lives – but it is all around us and the amount of people suffering with trauma in silence is immense.
When I was thirteen, I was sexually abused by a neighbour in my village. When the abuse became known, I was made to feel, by family and schoolteachers, that what had happened to me was my fault. I have spent a lot of my life carrying the shame that rightly belonged to someone else – but no more.
This is not my shame!
I cannot discuss this with my family. They do not understand. A few selected friends know, and I can share with them, but it has taken many years to build up an appropriate support network with people who get me.
I was lost for many years. I did not start claiming my identity until I was fifty. I had some therapy and joined a recovery group where I practice a spiritual pathway. I have learned to live in the present moment. Mindfulness and meditation help me with acceptance and living in the present where I am not at risk.
My spiritual journey in recent years has helped with acceptance and some element of forgiveness. I may never fully forgive what happened to me, but acceptance means my experience does not define who I am today.
If you experienced child sexual abuse I want to tell you that what happened to you was not your fault and you can lead a beautiful life with the right support network around, you. It is a gift for me to realize that all those painful years are not wasted.
The most degrading and humiliating experiences turn out to be the most powerful tools in helping others to recover. In knowing the depths of shame and despair, I can reach out with a loving and compassionate hand to help other people and, in doing so, I receive healing myself.