My name is Debbie Riley.
I’m from Leeds, UK. I’m taking part in the Victorious Voices project to help break the silence surrounding childhood sexual abuse (CSA). I am passionate about sharing my experience through talks, workshops and projects like this because I believe it is important to show how such experiences can affect every aspect of a person’s life. Although there may be commonalities between us, we are all different and will be affected differently.
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/debbieariley/ YouTube: www.youtube.com/@Bee-rn7sl
All I usually say about the abuse is that I was raped and sexually abused as a young child, and that it continued for several years. I prefer to focus on the impact of the experience rather than the experience itself. I decided to share my experience publicly because I realised how limited people’s understanding was—especially within health services—of the lifelong impact that childhood sexual abuse can have.
It wasn’t until I had been in psychotherapy for a while in my 30s that I shared my childhood experiences. It seemed as though I had explored everything: everything had been stripped away, and the only thing left to discuss was ‘what happened when I was little’. It was my therapist who told me that what I remembered—and had dismissed as ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’—was sexual abuse, including rape. My first step was accepting the reality of my experience. This took a great deal of time. I guess I had known all along but did not want to face it; it was easier to live believing that it was nothing.
My two therapists have been the only people who have contributed to my healing journey. Although I have received support from mental-health services since I was 20, much of it was unhelpful and damaging because it focused on diagnoses such as anorexia nervosa, depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), rather than looking for the underlying cause of my distress. It wasn’t until I started psychotherapy in my 30s that my therapists saw past my behaviours and diagnoses and recognised me as a human being struggling with something deeper. I am a completely different person because of psychotherapy and eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR). I’m still a work in progress; healing is a continuous journey, and I still have a long way to go.
I have faced many setbacks because of insufficient and inappropriate NHS support, which has significantly harmed both my physical and mental health. For example, the NHS stopped funding my therapy because I had received more treatment than I was considered ‘entitled to’, even though clinicians agreed that it was the best treatment pathway for me.
My long-term psychiatrist was also required to discharge me because of ‘pressure from management’, rather than because this was considered best for my health and wellbeing. I was told either to manage without support or pay privately for the care I needed. Trying to cope without support led to a rapid and significant decline in both my physical and mental health, so I decided to pay for private therapy. Thankfully, I have found another amazing therapist.
I struggle with the idea of forgiving the person who abused and raped me. At present, I do not want to forgive them. However, I now realise that I have nothing to forgive myself for. I did nothing wrong; I was a child. Responsibility lies with the person who chose to rape me. I do not feel able to offer advice to anyone on their healing journey because every experience is different and affects each person differently. Everyone must find their own way forward, in their own time.
There is no rulebook or guide to follow.
