My name is Ana Assef Olmedo.
I was born in Brazil, but I grew up in and currently live in Swindon, UK. I struggled deeply with feeling alone and ashamed of what I had experienced, and finding Victorious Voices was instrumental in helping me realise that I wasn’t alone and that what happened to me was not my fault. We live in a culture that punishes victims for speaking out and protects perpetrators because getting involved is considered too inconvenient. For me, breaking the silence around childhood sexual abuse (CSA) includes holding not only perpetrators accountable but also the people and systems that facilitate abuse and fail to protect children.
My abuser was a family member, and the abuse they put me through was not only sexual. Throughout my childhood and until I left home for university at twenty, I was subjected to emotional abuse, coercion, physical abuse, financial abuse, and conversion therapy. I’m not sure when the sexual abuse started or ended, but all these experiences combined destroyed me as a person. I became an easy target for abuse and found myself in many situations that reflected my relationship with my abuser. I felt so uncomfortable in my body and everything I did made me feel like a burden.
Finding out my abuser had other victims is what made me decide to speak up. They destroyed my life and I couldn't let them get away with hurting more people. I had tried to do everything by the book: I reported them to the police, but nothing was done. It drove me crazy that they were able to live their life freely despite destroying my life and harming others. I just couldn't let them hurt more people. So, on the fifth anniversary of leaving home and cutting contact with my abuser, I made a Facebook post speaking out about the abuse and encouraging other victims to go to the police.
Allowing myself to rest and feel my anger and other emotions was the first step in my recovery. I had suppressed my emotions for years because I was constantly in survival mode. When I was no longer in that environment, I felt as though my body shut down. For months, I was exhausted and in a depressive state. After that period of exhaustion, I felt overwhelmed by my emotions. I had numbed myself for years without realising it, and I didn’t know how to process what I was feeling. I was struggling to manage this on my own, but I contacted a local domestic abuse charity and joined its waiting list for counselling. The support I received really helped me emerge from my depression.
Counselling was not always accessible to me, but when I could access it, it was extremely helpful. I had some of my biggest breakthroughs during that time. Counselling provided me with a safe space to express my anger, shame, and everything else I was feeling. Having someone to reflect with and help me reframe my thoughts allowed me to recognise what was within my control and what was not. This helped me release much of the guilt I carried.
Growing up, my abuser was very controlling of my appearance. They chose my hairstyle and clothes and shamed me for my interests, leaving me feeling guilty about everything I did and how I looked. Even as I grew older, they would still not let me express myself. Now that I am no longer under their control, I have been able to reclaim my body by presenting myself in a way that feels comfortable. I have experimented a lot with my style and now have a large collection of tattoos and piercings that make me feel like myself.
I have also been able to reclaim my sense of identity by being unabashedly outspoken about the things I like and care about. I no longer allow people to make me feel embarrassed. I cheer the loudest in the room, dance with my eyes closed and really let loose when I hear music and speak out when I see injustice. Although these things were initially very difficult, they have built my confidence and made me feel in control of my life. I have so much more power than I thought I had.
I think this notion of forgiveness is stupid. My anger is valid. My abuser tortured me for twenty years of my life, and I am still deeply affected by what they put me through. I know that the impact of what they did will never truly leave me. They completely destroyed me and I don't owe them forgiveness. My anger reminds me that I was wronged and that those things should never have happened. It motivates me to keep living and to create the life I want in spite of my abuser. I know they wouldn't want to see me happy and thriving, so that is exactly what I’m going to do. I deserve to be happy and enjoy life. I can have everything I want, and I deserve it; my anger reminds me of that.