My name is Debbie Riley.

The most I say about the abuse is that I was raped and sexually abused as a young child which went on for several years. I rather focus on the impact of the experience rather than the experience itself. I decided to share my experience publicly because I realised how little people understood about the impact of experiencing Child Sex Abuse has on a person, especially within the health service.

It wasn’t until I had been in psychotherapy for a while in my 30’s that I shared my childhood experiences. It was my therapist who told me what I remembered and classed as ‘me making a mountain out of a mole hill’ was sexual abuse including rape. So, my initial steps involved having to accept what my experience was, this took a great deal of time. I guess I had known all along, but didn’t want to face it, it was easier to live believing it was nothing.

My therapist is the only person who has contributed to my healing journey, although I have had mental health service support since I was 20 a great deal of it was unhelpful and damaging as it focussed on my problematic behaviours (anorexia nervosa, depression, OCD, BPD) rather than looking for the cause. It wasn’t until I started psychotherapy in my 30’s that they saw past my behaviours and diagnosis’ and saw me as a human being struggling with something, I received a lot of benefits from Psychotherapy and EMDR. I’m still a working process, my healing is a continuous journey.

I have faced many setbacks due to insufficient and inappropriate NHS support, which had a significant detrimental impact on my health both physical and mental e.g. when the NHS stopped my therapy, I had had more than I was entitled to as they don’t offer long-term psychotherapy.  Plus, my long-term psychiatrist also had to discharge me due to ‘pressure from management’ rather than what was best for my health and wellbeing. I was told I had to do without the support of paying private. Trying without support caused a significant and rapid decline in both my physical and mental health, so I decided to pay for private therapy. Thankfully, I have found an amazing therapist.

I struggle with forgiveness in relation to the person who abused and raped me, however I have forgiven myself for my responses and reactions to the abuse that hurt myself and others. I don’t have advice for anyone on their healing journey as everyone’s experience is different, and the impact it will have on them is different; thus, everyone has to find their own way through in their own time. There is no rule book or guide to follow.