My name is Debbie Riley.
I’m from Leeds, UK and I’m taking part in the Victorious Voices project to break the silence surrounding Child Sex Abuse. I am passionate about sharing my experience through talks and workshops and projects like this because I feel it is important to share the reality of how such experience impacts on a person’s whole life and how although there maybe commonalities among us we are all different and will be impacted differently..
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/debbieariley/ YouTube: www.youtube.com/@Bee-rn7sl
The most I say about the abuse is that I was raped and sexually abused as a young child which went on for several years. I rather focus on the impact of the experience rather than the experience itself. I decided to share my experience publicly because I realised how little people understood about the impact of experiencing Child Sex Abuse has on a person, especially within the health service.
It wasn’t until I had been in psychotherapy for a while in my 30’s that I shared my childhood experiences. It seemed like I have explored everything, everything had been stripped away and the only thing left I had to talk about was “what happened when I was little”. It was my therapist who told me what I remembered and classed as ‘me making a mountain out of a mole hill’ was sexual abuse including rape. So, my initial steps involved having to accept what my experience was, this took a great deal of time. I guess I had known all along, but didn’t want to face it, it was easier to live believing it was nothing.
My 2 therapists have been the only people who have contributed to my healing journey, although I have had mental health service support since I was 20 a great deal of it was unhelpful and damaging as it focused on my problematic behaviours (anorexia nervosa, depression, OCD, BPD) rather than looking for the cause. It wasn’t until I started psychotherapy in my 30’s that they saw past my behaviours and diagnosis’ and saw me as a human being struggling with something, I am a completely different person due to my psychotherapy experience as well as EMDR. I’m still a working process, my healing is a continuous journey and I still have a long way to go.
I have faced many setbacks due to insufficient and inappropriate NHS support, which had a significant detrimental impact on my health both physical and mental e.g. when the NHS stopped my therapy, I had had more than I was entitled to and refused to pay for any more even though they agreed it was the best treatment pathway for me.
Plus, my long-term psychiatrist also had to discharge me due to ‘pressure from management’ rather than what was best for my health and wellbeing. I was told I had to do without the support or pay privately for the support I needed. Trying without support caused a significant and rapid decline in both my physical and mental health, so I decided to pay for private therapy. Thankfully, I have found another amazing therapist.
I struggle with forgiveness in relation to the person who abused and raped me, at the moment I don’t want to forgive them however I now realise I have nothing to forgive myself for as I did not do anything wrong, I was a child, the responsibility lies with the person who made the decision to rape me.
I don’t have advice for anyone on their healing journey as everyone’s experience is different, and the impact it will have on them is different; thus, everyone has to find their own way through in their own time.
There is no rule book or guide to follow.
