My name is Geoff Robins.

When I was 17 years old, I was “targeted” (for the want of a better word) by a priest who saw my vulnerabilities and used them to his advantage, as consequence of his actions, I was drugged and raped by him and two priests. Back then, all I wanted to do was be a pilot, and spent every possible weekend at the local airport where the Scout Association had the use of light aircraft.  One of the Scout Association pilots was one of the priests who turned my life inside out.  At that point in time, I was not aware of his modus operandi, he would target young men who were, let’s just say, vulnerable. 

He would take me flying, and I was absolutely over the moon as I got the opportunity to take the controls and fly the plane, for me this was a dream come true.  At the time I wasn’t close to my dad and this “person” was filling some of the gaps I missed out on with my dad.

The day the rape took place, we went flying for a couple of hours, then back to the church, had some lunch and a couple of glasses of wine and when I woke up several hours later, I knew what had happened and my world had changed for ever. For me the biggest catalyst or turning point in disclosing my abuse was when I read a news article about the priest (my perpetrator) was subject of a police investigation for similar offences at schools and within the Scout Association. 

Even though the newspaper didn’t mention his name, I knew who it was straight away. This gave me the courage to reach out to the investigators and tell my story, I knew I wasn’t alone.  This was the first time I had told anyone what had happened to me 10 years earlier.  

The investigating police officer when I reported my abuser put me in touch with a counselling service who specialised in rape/sexual abuse.  The counsellor was amazing and together we worked out a treatment plan. This plan was in-depth, and it involved seeing medical practitioners for the physical damage, psychologists/psychiatrists for the mental damage and other holistic treatments for spiritual healing (reiki/kinesiology).

 I have developed many coping mechanisms and strategies to navigate the healing process. The first one is being kind to myself, accepting what happened was not my fault, reminding myself that what happened doesn’t define me. I try and meditate daily, to clear my mind and focus on what’s important to me, doesn’t always happen, but at least I give it a crack. Whilst I know exercise and diet are an important part of healing, yeah, this hasn’t always been as successful as I’d hoped. Accepting there’s always going to be ups and downs on the healing journey, has helped as well.

I’ve also sadly used negative coping mechanisms in the past, I’ve hit the booze and a not so healthy diet and that didn’t work out to well.  Not only did it enhance some risky behaviours, but it also had other consequences – poor physical health, further negative impacts on my mental health, finances, relationships etc.

I’ve also found ink therapy (tattoos) has also been a coping strategy (this may work for some and not for others).  All my tattoos tell a story, in a positive way. On my left arm I have a series of arrows and a moral compass.  The meaning behind this is: We choose the path we want to take in life, and an arrow can only go forwards.  Like life, we need to be pulled back before we can move forward.

On my right forearm, I have a tattoo of Archangel Michale – the protector, with the words, honour, courage and commitment written in Latin. There are a few others, and they all have positive meanings behind them, like the semicolon on my wrist, the semicolon representing the story is not over yet, keep going. Healing does take work, it takes dedication and commitment, it’s something we all have in us, it’s just a matter of harnessing those energies and being true to ourselves.

My support network took a little time to take shape. Whilst it took me a long time to tell anyone what had happened to me, at first there was stunned disbelief/shock, but once the dust settled, everyone has been really supportive and encouraging. What has really surprised me are the number of other people who’ve experienced their own challenges in life and felt isolated and not feeling they were able to open up and be heard or accepted. When mum and dad were alive, they were my biggest rock, they were there for me. 

I’ve had a couple of personal relationships, which unfortunately acceptance of who I am, and my past has proved challenging at times.  Something that I learnt very early is our own personal mental health challenges, also impact on the ones close to us, and sadly it’s not always going to be a bed of roses.

If we look at the Social Circles theory, I can count my close family on one hand, my true friends on both hands, acquaintances, community helps and strangers – between 50 and 100 people, and each of these people have been there in some way shape and form throughout my healing journey and for that I’m eternally grateful.

Throughout this healing journey, I’ve tried a number of healing practices and strategies to overcome the mental and physical damage, including professional medical support, medication, and holistic therapies.  Personally, I found the holistic treatments the best, I don’t like taking medication at the best of times, I don’t like putting non-natural substances into my body to mask the issues.

What I found is there’s not one solution or strategy that works, it’s a combination of strategies. I look at it like this: My mind and body was like a rental property that had some really bad tenants, when they left, they left a mess that needed to be fixed, so bring in the trades people, the plumber, the carpenter, the builder, the electrician and painter. Each of these trades come in at certain points in time to repair what they can. It takes time to repair significant damage and sometimes there’s going to be setbacks and breakthroughs.  Being patient and investing in the outcome is something worth doing.

The main way I have tried to reclaim my sense of identity is by taking a stand and calling out the inappropriate behaviour and taking the perpetrator to task was cathartic. Whilst there are still mental and physical scars, I’ve found that by sharing (part) of my story through mental health awareness presentations and focusing on breaking down the stigma, shame, embarrassment and any other barriers has helped in reinforcing in my own mind that’s it’s okay not to be okay. 

During the presentations, I focus a lot on positive strategies and reconnecting with self and others.  Quite often I’ll have a person come up to me after a presentation and say thank you for giving them the courage to reach out for support.  For me – this is a huge personal win, knowing that I’ve been able to give someone the strength to take that next step in their own personal healing journey.

When it comes to self-care practices, I’ve researched what’s available, tried different strategies, and whilst some have worked, some haven’t, but we need to remember that we need to give each strategy time to kick in, it might take a couple of weeks, sometimes longer, and if it doesn’t feel right or work, keep an open mind and try something different.

Probably the hardest part of telling my story, was when I told my parents.  From the day of the rape, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, scared, that I’d let my family down, etc. etc. The initial reaction from my mum and dad when I told them what happened is etched into my mind for ever, there were tears, hugs, and most importantly, love and support.

Throughout this healing journey, I’ve encountered numerous setbacks and challenges, especially when something triggers my PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and Hypervigilance. For me, being accused or not believed is a huge trigger, yes, this is the same for many people, however, because of past challenges I’ve faced where my integrity has been called into question, this has had a huge impact on my mental health and wellbeing. It may be a confronting situation or event, and at times it’s really hard to remind myself that what happened in the past is in the past and this current event is something that I can manage with time and support. Sometimes easier said than done.

Something that has really helped me get through the challenging times is my support dog Ella, she’s seen me at my worst and her loyalty and comfort has kept me going.  The positives that come from animal support often outweighs the human support.

Forgiveness is something I try and acknowledge, sadly there are people who have wronged me so badly, that forgiveness is something they will need to earn from me. Whilst I try and be kind to myself, and accept me for who I am, there’s always that level of acceptance that I struggle with. 

I know I’m not the most ruggedly good-looking fella out there and I’m good with that.  I know I’m not as smart, talented, switched on as others, and I’m good with that.I am who I am, and I’m really proud of who I am. And it’s important to remind yourself of that.

I always live by the philosophy of treating others how I want to be treated, with dignity and respect.

I would like to close by saying to other Survivors who are on their path to healing from abuse please know you’re not alone, please know you did not ask for challenges in your life to occur, please know there are many people who have got you and will support you through your healing journey.

Photographs taken by Anthaea Dance in Queensland, Australia.