My name is Kieron.

In terms of my own abuse I was groomed and abused from being around 6 years old until I was 16 by a boy 4 years older than me.

I knew this was something I periodically struggled with in a very big way, and when I decided to train as a teacher, I felt in a really good place. Somebody once told me it’s best to get help when you’re feeling at your best, so I did. I knew for sure that working in a school would be triggering for me, but I was really passionate about going into the education sector and teaching high school Religious Studies. So, I got the help.

It honestly was very difficult to find a service that could help me specifically. I was referred to St. Mary’s in Manchester by my GP, but didn’t hear from them for months. I contacted them and they had a record of me, but said they won’t support me because I’m a man, but also, they only help those who have reported the abuse to the police, which I hadn’t. I felt stuck, but then at a sexual health check-up I was told about a place called Survivors. I contacted them but they were in London.

I nearly gave up looking for the specific support I knew I needed, but then I was directed to the Manchester-based service called Survivors Manchester. I finally felt heard because the therapist was also a survivor (not always the case, but I was lucky I suppose), and it honestly changed the trajectory of my life. I’m eternally grateful to the service for what they were able to help me through.

For my healing it’s important to share I’m Christian, and I truly believed God was guiding me in how to journey through it. I felt led to speak to my parents when I was 25 years old, but I don’t think I was very clear in my delivery of what had happened, and it was when I was 32 years old that I had another conversation with them. It was only then that they truly heard me and knew to what extent my abuse was. I spent 7 years feeling like they maybe didn’t believe what I’d told them or that they resisted accepting it. It turns out I was just unclear to begin with. This was the start of my healing journey.

Journaling has always been something I’ve found to be helpful over the years, but I also love to sing and write songs. I have a lot of songs about healing and overcoming, and when I listen to them back, I feel ministered to and supported, which I never thought would be the case at the point of writing them. I really enjoy photography too, which has been a crutch over the years.

Therapy was the most important part of my healing journey, and although friends are aware of what I went through, I tend not to talk about it even when I’m struggling because they find it very hard to relate to it. I don’t blame them at all for that, but I just think it’s best to talk to someone who does know what it’s like to have gone through this, which is why I value the survivor community so much. I have made a few great friends that I know I can always vent to or be in my feelings with.

In terms of reclaiming my sense of identity I’m not entirely sure that I have. My abuse was my entire childhood, and so I feel somewhat trapped/imprisoned by it. Though, I don’t believe it defines me. I’m not Kieron the abused boy, but the victorious man who has gone through all of that and I’m still here alive and (some of the time) well. I know not every survivor of CSA is so lucky, and although I have been on the very edge, something has always been able to pull me back. I feel so thankful that I’m here to tell my story and share my journey with others. I’m here, and there must be a purpose to that.

Self-care is still something I struggle with. I pour everything into the things I choose to do, and therefore end up burning myself out. I think I do this to show how much I care for others, and to receive care in return. That’s a toxic trait of mine, definitely. I need to learn to put myself first and to detach my heart and mind from the ongoings of others. I need to try to find a good balance of looking after myself and protecting my survivorship, in a sense. I’ve encountered many setbacks on my road to healing, too many to count/discuss. Relationships are always a set back because of the fear of rejection, and the fear they lack understanding enough to embrace me.

Forgiveness has been a big part of healing. The first thing I felt led to do was to forgive the perpetrator. Also to forgive my parents, myself, and even my God. I think forgiveness is more of a lifestyle than a one-time action, and I still battle with my heart over forgiveness at times. I think it’s so important for us to forgive those who hurt us and stand against us in some way, but not for their benefit, but our own. It’s only our own hearts that become lighter when we let go of the other person. I truly believe unforgiveness can become rooted in our hearts and become like a poisoned tree in our lives, but I also believe that it can therefore be uprooted. Forgiveness is a selfish act, but not in a negative sense of the word, completely positive!

My advice to other CSA Survivors out there is speak it out! More people exist in the world to help and support us than there are to hurt and stand against us. It doesn’t have to be a therapist, but a teacher, a friend, a relative, a doctor, or even a stranger on the street(!) if that’s your only option. Liberation comes through talking, and it’s a real understated power we have as human beings. We are literally a word away from freedom. Once you ask for help or for somebody to simply listen, you’re entering a new season of life, and it’s beautiful.