My name is Rob Balfour.
I was born in Secombe, Wallasey and currently live in Yorkshire. I wanted to take part in Victorious Voices because I liked the project’s concept of not only giving a voice to CSA Survivors, but also a face. I believe it is vitally important that we look beyond survivors having to ‘break their silence’ often in contexts where they are not supported appropriately when doing so. Instead we should focus on challenging societies’ cultural silencing of survivors so they don’t need to break their silence as a form of revolutionary act.
For ten years from the age of 6, I experienced four male sexual abusers who would now be categorised as groomers, and one female aged around 14 who introduced me to male-female sex when I was around 8 years old.
The first of the 4 males I brought to justice in 2015. Clifford Jones is a man with a long history of sexually abusing children. He was sentenced to 18 months as he could only be jailed under the laws in place in the 1960s. The police declined to investigate two other males, but my allegations were recorded as credible.
The final abuser, John Allen, who ran one of the biggest children’s home businesses in the UK at the time – The Bryn Alyn Community (Lost In Care, 2000) – was at the centre of a major inquiry run by the National Crime Agency: Operation Pallial and he was sentenced to life (11 years) in 2014 for the sexual crimes committed against me and 13 other boys.
The catalyst for me to share my story was the Inquiry into North Wales Children’s Homes (Lost In Care) reported in February 2000 and on the day of its publication, I disclosed the sexual violence done to me as a child publicly. Initially my first steps towards healing was contacting my GP for counselling.
Striving to become more self-aware of my coping strategies and grow beyond the ones which hasn’t helped me was a strategy that helped me navigate the healing process. I was very lucky I had a good therapist – work network – family and friends who were very supportive. Simply being seen and validated as more than the abuse which was done to me changed my life. I cultivated self-care by maintaining a wide perspective and being open about recovery – being kind to myself especially.
The effort to reclaim my sense of identity and agency has been a journey and one which continues – for example, I recently reverted to my childhood name Rob – having been Bob since I left my children’s home as a way of escaping – a different name and new life. I’m now very happy to recover my childhood name. Connecting to people and gaining knowledge- mattering to people and myself and understanding why mattering especially is the key to recovery.
The road to healing has not been smooth, in the past I have been triggered by people who claimed to be healers or recovered but were far from being so and often delayed the journey. I forged on learning to find the authentic people who gift you hope and kindness.
I’ve never been a hater even as a child – angry at what was done to me – but never hating even my abusers. It’s not for me to hate people who harm others – they hate themselves enough without me - I choose not to be them.
To help others I would like to share three lessons I was once told and have found to be true:
Work on your own stuff
Work on your own stuff
Work on your own stuff
I would add a fourth – kindness is a superpower.