My name is Madeleine Black.
I am from London, and I now live in Glasgow. I share my story to help end the shame, stigma and silence surrounding sexual abuse and to help others find their courage and voice, too. I believe that courage is contagious because someone speaking out helped me find my voice, and I intend to pay that forward. The more of us that speak out, the better, too, as we are stronger together. I also believe that if a person hears a story at the right time in their life, it can help them navigate their life in a different direction and give them hope.LinkedIn: Madeline Black Instagram: @madblack65
I was gang raped by two men when I was thirteen years old. And it was only when I was writing my memoir, ‘Unbroken’, that I realised I had been raped three more times before the age of eighteen.
I had been slowly sharing my story but always anonymously until I was approached by an organisation called The Forgiveness Project, who said I could be anonymous, but I was tired of being ashamed of a crime committed against my body and decided to use my photo and name alongside my story.
It was September 22nd 2014, and I've never looked back.
I started to go for therapy when I was in my twenties after I was married, as I wanted to become a mum, and the thought of giving birth terrified me. The best coping mechanism for me has been learning to ground myself and connect back into my body to return home because I disassociated that night and never felt back in my body for years.
I chose to step into all of my dark chapters that I had actively avoided for years and learnt to be comfortable in the really uncomfortable spaces. It helped me to dilute the power that the images/triggers had on me, and I finally could accept what took place with no more denial and the realisation that I'm not my body or what happened to me; we are all so much more than the events in our life. I would never have got to this stage without the support of my friends and family and the help of my therapists.
I did a lot of talking therapies but also bodywork and alternative therapies; they all played a part in healing. All of this helped me to reclaim my sense of self. I was able to return to the 'me' that I was before the rape. The essence I was born with was never touched by what was done, and my work has been removing the layers to get back to the core of me.
Self-care is not selfish and it's an important part of healing. The first and most important step was asking for help, going to therapy, and giving my story oxygen by sharing it with someone else and not remaining silent.
A turning point in my recovery was becoming a mum. It healed me in so many ways as I thought I could never do that! I call it my Best Revenge!!
But there have been setbacks along the way. My dark memories returned when my eldest daughter, Anna, was thirteen, and I went to therapy for three years, which I both hated but knew I had to do. Most sessions left me vomiting, crying, and shaking, but something always pulled me back to go.
It allowed me to integrate my mind and body and totally diluted the impact that the pictures and story had over me.
Forgiveness took me by surprise. I call myself an accidental forgiver! It was always for me as I deserved peace from my past, and it allowed me to cut the chains that linked me to them and my past. It allowed me to accept what was done, knowing I couldn't change it and no longer fought with my truth. It was my key to freedom as I let go of all the anger, rage and resentment that was poisoning me.
The advice I would offer to other survivors who are on their path to healing from abuse is to find your voice as early as you can and find someone you can trust to share that with.
It's never too late to find your voice.