My name is Kieron.
II’m from Wigan, UK. I decided to share my story and take part in Victorious Voices because I believe it is important to talk openly about what we have been through. For a long time, I felt as though I was the only man in the world who had experienced this, but I now know that I am not alone. I know that others like me are out there feeling the same way. I want to share my story so that others don’t feel so alone. This is why I am passionate about raising awareness and strengthening prevention efforts. I’m a teacher and I know the power of education, so I would really like to see more conversations happening around childhood sexual abuse.
I was groomed and abused from around the age of six until I was 16 by someone four years older than me. I knew that I sometimes struggled profoundly with what had happened. By the time I decided to train as a teacher, however, I felt that I was in a very good place. I knew that working in a school could be triggering for me, but I was passionate about entering education and teaching religious studies in a high school. Somebody once told me that it is best to seek help when you are feeling at your best, so I did.
It honestly was very difficult to find a service that could help me specifically. My GP referred me to Saint Mary’s Sexual Assault Referral Centre in Manchester, but I did not hear from the service for several months. When I eventually contacted the service, staff told me that, at the time, they could not support me because I was a man and because I had not reported the abuse to the police. During a sexual health check-up, I was told about SurvivorsUK. I contacted the organisation, but its counselling service was based in London.
I nearly gave up looking for the specific support I knew I needed, but I was then directed to Survivors Manchester, now known as We Are Survivors. I finally felt heard. I was fortunate that my therapist was also a survivor, although I recognise that this is not always the case. The support changed the trajectory of my life, and I am eternally grateful for the help I received.
My Christian faith has also been important to my healing. I truly believe that God guided me through it. I felt led to speak to my parents when I was 25, but I don’t think I clearly explained what had happened. When I was 32, I spoke to them again. It was only then that they truly heard me and understood the extent of the abuse. I spent seven years feeling as though they might not believe me or were resisting accepting what I had told them. It turned out that I had not been clear initially. This was the start of my healing journey.
Journaling has helped me greatly over the years, and I also love singing and writing songs. I have written many songs about healing and overcoming. When I listen to them later, I feel ministered to and supported—something I never expected while writing them. I also really enjoy photography, which has been an important source of support over the years.
Therapy has been the most important part of my healing journey. Although my friends know what I experienced, I tend not to discuss it with them when I am struggling because they find it difficult to relate. I don’t blame them for that. I think it is best to speak to someone who understands what it is like to have experienced this, which is why I value the survivor community so much. I have made some great friends whom I can always vent to or share my feelings with.
In terms of reclaiming my sense of identity, I’m not entirely sure that I have. The abuse occupied my entire childhood, so I sometimes feel trapped by it. However, I do not believe that it defines me. I am not ‘Kieron, the abused boy’; I am a victorious man who endured all of that and is still here—alive and, some of the time, well. I know not every survivor of CSA is so lucky, and although I have been to the very edge, something has always pulled me back. I feel so thankful that I’m here to tell my story and share my journey with others. I’m here, and there must be a purpose in that.
Self-care is still something I struggle with. I pour everything into the things I choose to do and end up burning myself out. I think I do this to demonstrate how much I care for others and to receive care in return. That is definitely a toxic trait of mine. I need to learn to put myself first and detach my heart and mind from what is happening in other people’s lives. I need to find a healthy balance between looking after myself and protecting myself as a survivor. I have encountered too many setbacks on my road to healing to count or discuss. Relationships are often a setback because I fear rejection or worry that a partner will not have enough understanding to embrace every part of who I am.
Forgiveness has been a big part of healing. The first thing I felt led to do was forgive the perpetrator. I also felt led to forgive my parents, myself and even God. I think forgiveness is more of a lifestyle than a one-time action, and I still battle with my heart over forgiveness at times. For me, forgiveness is important—not for the benefit of those who hurt me, but for my own. My heart becomes lighter when I let go of what I have carried because of another person. I truly believe unforgiveness can become rooted in our hearts and become like a poisoned tree in our lives, but I also believe that it can therefore be uprooted. I see forgiveness as a selfish act, but I mean that in a wholly positive sense.
My advice to other survivors is to speak to someone safe when they feel ready. For me, liberation came through talking, and it’s a real understated power we have as human beings. Sometimes, a single word can be the beginning of freedom. Asking for help—or simply asking someone to listen—can mark the beginning of a new season in life, and it’s beautiful.
