My name is Madeleine Black.

I was gang-raped by two men when I was thirteen. It was only while writing my memoir, Unbroken, that I realised I had been raped three more times before the age of eighteen.

I had been slowly sharing my story but always anonymously. I was approached by an organisation called The Forgiveness Project and was told that I could remain anonymous. However, I was tired of carrying shame for a crime committed against my body, so I decided to use my photograph and name alongside my story. It was 22 September 2014, and I have never looked back.

I began therapy in my twenties, after I got married, because I wanted to become a mum and the thought of giving birth terrified me. The most effective coping mechanism for me has been learning to ground myself and reconnect with my body—to return home to myself. I had dissociated on the night of the rape and did not feel fully present in my body again for years.

I chose to step into all the dark chapters I had actively avoided for years and learnt to be comfortable in the really uncomfortable spaces. This helped to reduce the power that the images and triggers held over me. I could finally accept what had happened without denial. I realised that I am not my body or what happened to me; we are all so much more than the events in our lives. I would never have got to this stage without the support of my friends and family and the help of my therapists. 

I did a lot of talking therapy, as well as bodywork and alternative therapies; they all played a part in my healing. I was able to return to the ‘me’ I had been before the rape. The essence I was born with was never touched by what was done to me, and my work has involved removing the layers to reach my core self.

Self-care is not selfish, and it is an important part of healing. The first and most important step was asking for help, going to therapy, and giving my story oxygen by sharing it with someone else and not remaining silent.

A turning point in my recovery was becoming a mum. It healed me in so many ways as I thought I could never do that! I call it my best revenge! There have been setbacks along the way. My dark memories returned when my eldest daughter, Anna, was thirteen. I returned to therapy for three years. I hated it, but I knew that I needed to continue. Most sessions left me vomiting, crying, and shaking, but something always pulled me back to continue. Therapy allowed me to integrate my mind and body and greatly reduced the power that those memories and images held over me.

Forgiveness took me by surprise. I call myself an accidental forgiver!  Forgiveness was always for me: I deserved peace from my past. It allowed me to cut the chains that linked me to my abusers and to the past. It allowed me to accept what had been done, acknowledge that I could not change it, and stop fighting my truth. It was my key to freedom as I let go of all the anger, rage and resentment that was poisoning me. The advice I would offer other survivors on their healing journey is to find your voice as early as you can and find someone you trust with whom you can share your story.

It is never too late to find your voice.