My name is Michelle van Toop.
I am from Doncaster, UK. I am Chair of the Visible Project, and I hope that sharing my experience and strength can help others who have experienced childhood sexual abuse (CSA).
The taboo surrounding CSA and the pressure placed on survivors not to share their experiences keep it hidden and allow perpetrators to hide in plain sight. Perpetrators get away with their crimes while survivors spend much of their lives dealing with the effects. We must change this. People want to believe that these are just a few isolated cases and that we should simply get on with our lives—but abuse is all around us, and the number of people living with trauma in silence is immense.
When I was thirteen, I was sexually abused by a neighbour in my village. When the abuse became known, members of my family and teachers at my school made me feel that what had happened was my fault. I have spent a lot of my life carrying the shame that rightly belonged to someone else – but no more.
This is not my shame!
I cannot discuss this with my family because they do not understand. A few trusted friends know, and I can talk to them, but it has taken many years to build an appropriate support network of people who understand me.
I was lost for many years, and I did not begin reclaiming my identity until I was fifty. I had therapy and joined a recovery group where I began following a spiritual path. I have learned to live in the present moment. Mindfulness and meditation help me accept the past and remain grounded in the present, where I am no longer at risk.
My spiritual journey in recent years has helped me find acceptance and a degree of forgiveness. I may never fully forgive what happened to me, but acceptance means my experience does not define who I am today.
If you have experienced childhood sexual abuse, I want to tell you that what happened was not your fault. With the right support network around you, you can lead a beautiful life. It is a gift for me to realise that all those painful years have not been wasted. My most degrading and humiliating experiences have become powerful tools in helping others to recover. Because I know the depths of shame and despair, I can reach out with love and compassion to help others. In doing so, I also receive healing.
